Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize