i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
