woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
