I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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