The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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