Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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