In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
