Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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