...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
