The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
