My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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