So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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