Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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