All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
