Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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