Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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