so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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