im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
