I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
