I faked an abortion last night.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
