It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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