The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
