btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
