Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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