i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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