Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
