He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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