She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just want nice things and good sex
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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