I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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