Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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