your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
