1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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