i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
