I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
