Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
