I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
