so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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