I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
