he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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