One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
