We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
