At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
