There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
