i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
