Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
