like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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