think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
