It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
