I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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