I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He felt like a one man threesome
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
