He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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