my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
