So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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