I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
where are you?
Hypothermia
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
